


la joie de vivre

by SilverSilhouettes



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor because I can, Gender Dysphoria, How Do I Tag, I'm Russian sue me, M/M, Married Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Mental Health Issues, Mila and Viktor are bros, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri, Victor and Yuuri have a baby!, Viktor Nikiforov is a queer icon thank u, Viktor has mad depression, honestly I wrote this because deciding if/how u are going to have kids as a trans person sucks, no one can tell me otherwise, someone help him please, this is gonna be kind of sad sorry, transgender character, transgender victor nikiforov, viktuuri baby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-01-30 13:43:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21429187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverSilhouettes/pseuds/SilverSilhouettes
Summary: Viktor was always sure he wouldn't get married or have children. Fast forward ten years and he's happily married to the love of his life. After a mishap with his testosterone dosage, he comes to the startling realization that he would indeed like to have children.
Relationships: Christophe Giacometti & Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Mila Babicheva & Victor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont & Katsuki Yuuri, Yakov Feltsman & Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 9
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Important things to note:  
-I myself am a trans man, but not every trans person has the same experiences. I am projecting a lot of stuff onto Viktor because honestly I have no idea if/when/how I am going to have kids?? Tiny gremlins who sap ur life force? Idk.  
-I am not a medical professional, so a lot of the medical side of this comes from Google. There's significantly less resources on trans pregnancies but I am a determined lad! If I get anything wrong, feel free to let me know and I will correct it!  
-Prior to the beginning of the fic, Viktor has been on testosterone for several years and he has had top surgery. He does not want bottom surgery, so he's pretty much finished with his medical transition. (Bottom surgery scary no thanks)

“I’ll see you at home later.” Viktor leans over the boards to give Yuuri a goodbye kiss, “ I’m sorry, but this headache is killing me.” 

“It’s fine, Vitya. I’ll keep working on this section of the step sequence with Yakov, okay? I’ll show you how it looks when you’re feeling better.” 

“Sounds good, and don’t forget to watch your free leg during the crossovers. Bye, Yuuri!”

“Call me if you need anything, Vitya!” Viktor nods as he walks to the locker room to collect his bag. It’s still odd to have Yuuri here in Russia with him, even after all this time, but it’s even more odd to not be gearing up for another season of competition, as he had retired after Worlds the previous season. This year, he was just coaching. He’d remained Yuuri’s primary coach, as well as taking on assistant coaching duties with Yuri and Mila. 

He walks home in the decently pleasant (for Saint Petersburg, at least) June weather. His head is pounding painfully, and he can’t remember the last time he had a headache like this. He just wants to get home, turn all the lights off, and lay in bed until he either falls asleep or the nasty headache goes away. When he finally reaches their apartment, he sets down his bag of skating gear, and grabs Makka’s leash. The poodle jumps up, excited he’s home. 

“Sorry Makka, this is gonna be a short walk.” Makkachin just smiles up at him, tail wagging. Viktor feels worse at this. “I’ll take you on a nice, long walk when I feel better. Promise.” Makka nudges his arm, eager to go out. “Okay, okay, let’s go, then!” Viktor clips her leash on, and leads the dog out of the apartment and out into the lackluster sunshine. She prances around a little before doing her business. Viktor frowns when he has to coax her back inside, feeling bad for depriving his dog of exercise. Makkachin follows him around the apartment as he quickly showers, washes his face, eats a quick meal, and climbs into bed. It feels altogether too much like it had when he lived alone in the days before he met Yuuri. Viktor sighs guiltily when he glimpses Makka watching him from the doorway.

“C’mon, then.” He pats the bed beside him. Makkachin hops up, smiling at him again. He runs his hand through her fur, gently pulling as she begins to settle down. 

Viktor turns over, laying on his side facing the wall. It isn’t very dark in the bedroom, as there is a ridiculous amount of sunlight during the summer in Russia. As usual, he hasn't bothered to put up the blackout curtains yet. He closes his eyes and slowly begins to drift off. 

~

“Hey. How are you feeling?” Viktor blinks, and squints up to see Yuuri standing over him, hand gently touching his shoulder. His head feels okay until he tries to sit up, so he abandons that plan and grimaces. 

“Not great. Usually sleeping it off helps, but I guess not this time.” Viktor extricates his right hand from the blankets and presses it to his temple.

“I’m sorry, Vitya.” Yuuri bends to press a kiss to his cheek and Viktor smiles. 

“I’ll live. I walked Makka earlier, but I didn’t feed her yet. I’ll make you something to eat if you could feed her and take her out again?” Viktor leans against Yuuri a little, even more tired than before he fell asleep. 

“Already took care of it.” Yuuri hugs Viktor. 

“Thank you, darling.” 

“Of course. Can I get you anything, Viktor?” Yuuri sounds a little worried. Viktor doesn’t get sick often, but there  _ was _ a period of time where he used to get headaches a lot. But this couldn’t be it. He’s fine. It’s a one-off thing. 

“I’m going to get up and have some water. It might help if I move for a bit.” Viktor pushes up into more of a sitting position and swings his legs forward to face Yuuri. 

“We could watch the rest of the episode of Hannibal we didn’t finish the other night.” Yuuri suggests.

“Sure.” Viktor agrees, standing up slowly. His head is still pounding, even harder than it was earlier. He follows Yuuri into the living room. Yuuri pulls up the episode on his laptop while Viktor settles onto the couch with several blankets. Yuuri sits down next to him and Viktor burrows into his shoulder a little. He doesn’t really pay much attention to the show, but Yuuri probably knows that. He’s almost asleep again by the time the episode is over. Yuuri shuts his laptop and sets it aside before deadlifting Viktor easily. 

“Woah. Hi.” Viktor says when he’s suddenly being clutched against Yuuri’s chest.

“Hey.” Yuuri smiles at him, the smile he reserves for the people he loves. He doesn’t fake smiles like Viktor, but this particular smile is special. Yuuri cranes his neck down to plant a kiss on Viktor’s nose. Viktor giggles a little, and kisses Yuuri back. Yuuri starts walking back to the bedroom, Viktor cradled in his arms and Makka in tow. Viktor groans when Yuuri deposits him back on the bed.

“Sorry.” Yuuri apologizes.

“You didn’t do anything, silly.” Viktor starts wrapping himself back up in blankets. He doesn’t even care that he’s still wearing the workout clothes he threw on after his shower. 

“It’s still so light outside.” Viktor’s eyes move to Yuuri, who is standing in front of the window.

“I told you it’s like this in summer. It’s why so many people put up with the dark winters.” 

“Yeah.” Yuuri turns back to Viktor. “I think I like being able to sleep past 3:30 in the morning, though.”

“That’s fair.” Viktor laughs as Yuuri changes for bed and clambers in beside him. Yuuri gives him a goodnight kiss, then rolls over. 

“Goodnight, Yuuri.” Viktor whispers.

“Goodnight, Vitya.” Yuuri’s voice is tired, but Viktor can hear the smile in it. He smiles too, even though Yuuri can’t see him. 

When Viktor wakes up, he’s in significantly more pain. His head is threatening to explode, his back and shoulders are too tense, his stomach hurts, and he feels absolutely disgusting. On second thought, it isn’t only his stomach that hurts, and that’s when it hits him. He’s got cramps, and he can feel the wetness between his thighs that signals a problem he hasn’t had to deal with in years. 

“Fuck.” Viktor curses, debating if he should get up and deal with it, or if he could roll over and go back to sleep and pretend this isn’t happening to him. He sighs, and gets up. Padding to the bathroom quietly so as not to wake up his adorable husband (who definitely doesn’t need to be woken up in the middle of the night for  _ this _ ) and a quick check confirms what he’s already figured out. He’s gotten his period. For the first time since he was 20. 

Viktor curses again, then starts rummaging through all his bathroom drawers in the hopes he would have kept some pads somewhere just in case, but no luck. He had probably thrown them all out as soon as his period stopped. Just his luck. 

“Of course I had to start taking T through gel instead of shots. Of course this is what happens. This is fucking great.” Viktor mutters under his breath. 

About a year before, his doctor had expressed some concerns over the variability of hormones in his blood. Testosterone shots were taken once a week, and his hormones were inconsistent, which made it harder for him to perform at the same level every day. So instead, Viktor was prescribed the gel form of testosterone. The daily application method of gel led to a lot less fluctuation and steadier levels of testosterone in his bloodstream, which was supposed to positively affect his performance as an athlete. 

When Viktor was first prescribed testosterone, he was told there was a large chance that hormone replacement therapy would render him sterile, but there was also a chance that his body would stop menstruating and still remain fertile. If he remained fertile, his period may return if he either stopped taking T or had the dose lowered. He had skipped over all the possible side effects and actually laughed at the prospect of getting his period again. 

“So much for that.” Viktor says. He’s started to accept it at this point, and decides his next move is to send someone (hopefully Mila) to the shop for him so he isn’t forced to rely on a makeshift toilet paper pad. A wave of cramps hit him, and he groans. At the moment, he’s sat on the tiled bathroom floor, head leaned back against the wall and eyes closed. The light outside is slightly dimmer than it was when he and Yuuri turned in for bed last night, meaning it’s probably about 2 in the morning at this point. 

Viktor sighs and gingerly stands up. He needs some tea and a lot of painkillers. After peeking in the bedroom to make sure Yuuri is still asleep, Viktor sneaks back through the bedroom and down the hall into the kitchen. He starts the electric kettle and digs the bottle of painkillers out from the back of the cabinet. The clock on the stove reads 02:17. Viktor starts when the kettle beeps, and hurries to take it off the heat before it can wake Yuuri. While his tea is steeping, Viktor moves to the living room with steaming mug in hand. He settles on the couch and grabs a book from the end table. 

Anything to distract him. He really doesn’t want to think about what is going on. He grimaces when he remembers that he suspected why he had a headache yesterday. He always used to get headaches when his period started. And now that’s it’s apparently back…

“Damnit.” Viktor huffs. He knows that ignoring this won’t make it any better, but he also thought this was over. He wasn’t supposed to have to deal with this anymore. This was supposed to be over, but it’s not. It’s incredibly disappointing to him, and his eyes start to water a little. It’s still harder to cry than it used to be, but Viktor is honestly devastated. He quietly cries for a while, and once he’s got his sniffles under control, he picks up his tea and holds it close to his chest, needing the warmth. “This is so stupid.” 

“What’s stupid?” Yuuri’s sleepy voice reaches him. Viktor turns to see his sleep disheveled husband standing in the doorway. His hair is sticking up in all directions, and his sleep clothes are wrinkled. Yuuri’s eyes widen slightly when he sees how red Viktor’s eyes are, but he doesn’t say anything.

“It’s nothing.” Viktor can hear his own voice tremble.

“You’re crying. It’s not nothing.” Yuuri walks over to him, and places a hand under Viktor’s chin. “Please tell me what’s wrong, Vitya.” Viktor can feel his throat constricting again.

“It’s embarrassing.” He whispers, hoping maybe Yuuri will leave it alone. No such luck.

“It’s okay. I’ve told you lots of things I considered embarrassing, and you have never laughed at me. You always give me the support and love I need, and that’s what I’m trying to give to you now.” Damn, Yuuri is good. Viktor knows he would only feel guilty if he tries to keep this from his husband. 

“Do you remember how I switched from testosterone shots to the gel?” Viktor asks.

“Yes, what about it?” Yuuri asks, head tilted in what Viktor assumes is confusion. 

“There was a list of potential side effects, and since I’m not competing anymore they decided to lower my dose, so…” Viktor really doesn’t want to explain this. He knows if he does, Yuuri will be understanding and will do everything in his power to make Viktor feel better, but he also really doesn’t want to have to say it. Yuuri sits down on the couch next to him and puts his arms around his husband. Viktor sighs. “I got my period, Yuuri.” He winces after the words are already out, but it’s too late. Yuuri makes a noise which sounds sympathetic, and hugs Viktor tighter. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Yuuri’s voice still sounds tired, and Viktor feels bad for making him deal with this on top of everything else. 

“It’s not your fault.” Viktor is still focusing on not crying.. Yuuri sighs too. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Yuuri asks. That is the catalyst Viktor needs, and he starts crying again. Yuuri is so incredibly sweet. He was woken up in the middle of the night by the kettle and his crying husband, and he wants to help instead of running away from a situation most people don’t handle well. “Hey,” Yuuri says softly. His hand is under Viktor’s chin again, tilting his face towards Yuuri’s, “it’s okay. I don’t know what this is like, but I’m here to support you and try to make you feel better.” Viktor nods and buries his face in Yuuri’s chest. He’s warm, and he smells nice, mostly his own scent, but he smells a little like his preferred deodorant and the laundry detergent they use. 

Viktor doesn’t know how long Yuuri sits there with him, but he feels a lot better after crying. He blinks up at Yuuri. “Sorry. You just woke up and I’m really emotional and I cried all over you. Not the best start to the day.” Yuuri laughs a little.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way. You needed me and the important thing is that I’m here for you.” Viktor offers his husband a small, watery smile. How did he get so lucky? 

Another wave of cramps hits, and he grimaces. Yuuri kisses the part of Viktor’s forehead that gets scrunched up when he winces. 

“I’ll be right back.” Viktor says, heading back to the bathroom. On the way, he swallows down the painkiller he forgot about earlier. In the bathroom, he sighs before removing his sad attempt at a pad and tries again. He’s bleeding a lot. That was usual for him before his periods stopped, but for whatever reason, this one feels much worse. Probably because it’s his first period in 9 years. He’s either going to have to go to the shop for supplies himself, or send someone for him. He prefers the second option, but he also doesn’t want to have to ask anyone to do it. 

When Viktor comes back, Yuuri smiles at him. Viktor grimaces back. 

“What time is it?” Yuuri asks. He looks so tired. Viktor ducks back into the kitchen to check.

“3:11 in the morning.” 

“You’d never be able to tell because of how light it is still.” Yuuri remarks. Viktor laughs. 

“You can go back to bed if you need to, Yuuri. I’ll be fine.”

“It’s my rest day, and I could never abandon my husband in his time of need.” Yuuri says, moving off the couch and closing in on Viktor. He pulls him in for a kiss. Viktor melts into his arms a little. 

“Thank you.” Viktor says quietly when they pull apart. 

“You would do the same for me.” Yuuri remarks, still hugging Viktor tight. 

They sit on the couch for what feels like ages. Viktor is exhausted, and starts leaning heavily on Yuuri. Yuuri smiles at him again. “It’s going to be okay, Vitya.” 

“Yeah. I just never thought I would have to deal with this again.” Viktor says. 

“Yeah. I noticed you avoided my question earlier, you sneak. What can I do to help?” Yuuri punctuates the question with gentle pokes to Viktor’s side. 

“Leave me alone to die.” Viktor says dramatically, draping a blanket over himself with flair. 

“Hey, Nikiforov, you’re only allowed to die in miserable defeat on the ice, remember?”

“It’s Katsuki-Nikiforov now, you dork. Your last name matches.” Viktor giggles. Yuuri smiles. 

“I guess you’re right.” Viktor’s husband says. His beautiful amber eyes are sparkling, and they reflect the smile on his face. 

“I would actually like to crawl under something and hide for several days. Maybe take a page out of Yurio’s book and yell angrily when people try to talk to me.” Yuuri giggles too. 

“You know that I have practice on Monday? And Tuesday? And Wednesday? I kinda need my coach for that.” 

“Okay, I’ve got a new plan: I fake my death and you must tragically take on another coach.” 

“No. I don’t think I could be convincing at pretending you had died if you were at home laughing about it.” 

“Damn.” Viktor says. He knows he can’t hide out for a week while this is happening, but he also knows he really doesn’t want to show his face on the off chance someone figures it out. He doesn’t know how he used to deal with this every month on top of competing and not having had top surgery or started testosterone yet.

Yuuri scoots closer to him on the couch and gently rubs along his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Vitya.” Viktor hums and leans into the touch.

“I know,” He says, and after a while, “it’s just hard. I thought this was all behind me and now I have to deal with it again. There’s a lot of stuff I just tried to forget about and I probably shouldn’t have.”

“I’ve got you.” Viktor moves so he’s got his head situated on Yuuri’s lap and smiles up at his husband. It’s a small smile, but it’s one of the genuine ones Yuuri cherishes. 

~

Viktor feels better after he’s showered and pestered Mila enough to bring him some supplies. He trusts her with his life to keep his secrets (she trusts him just as much with hers). He cooks breakfast while Yuuri takes Makkachin out for a morning walk. It’s nice out today, warm but not too hot or humid. It’s hard to believe there was snow and slush in the streets a month ago. Yuuri much prefers this warm weather to the frigid cold of winter, but he dislikes how long the light lasts during summer months. He smiles when he hears Yuuri come back, cooing at Makkachin when he unclips the leash and toes off his shoes at the front door. 

“Smells good.” Yuuri hugs Viktor from behind and hooks his chin over Viktor’s shoulder. 

“Glad you think so.” Viktor turns off the stove and turns to the cabinet to retrieve plates. Yuuri kisses him before he takes his plate from Viktor. 

“Thank you, love.” Viktor smiles. Yuuri has gotten more used to using names of endearment as of late, and it’s very possibly the cutest thing. Yuuri notices a blush creeping its way up Viktor’s face, but says nothing about it. 

They eat together in silence. It’s Yuuri’s rest day, and by extension, Viktor’s. He isn’t looking forward to returning to the rink tomorrow, but he knows if he acts as normal as possible, no one but Yuuri and Mila will know what is going on. After Yuuri cleans up the dishes from breakfast, they agree to watch a movie and cuddle on the couch. Viktor feels much better by the time the end credits are rolling. He’s sprawled out mostly on top of Yuuri, and he can feel his husband’s hands in his hair. The gentle tugs that accompany the soft strokes through his silver locks are comforting. Yuuri presses a kiss to the crown of his head and hums contentedly. 

“Lunch?” Yuuri asks hopefully when Viktor shuffles a bit and accidentally pushes his sharp hip bone into Yuuri’s side. Viktor agrees and they make sandwiches. By this point, he’s getting bored with being cooped up in the apartment. Of course, it’s by his own choice but Viktor is not one to stay at home for long periods of time. There’s always something he feels he should be doing. It’s an instinct left over from his competitive training days. 

Yuuri settles back on the couch after they eat, but Viktor is restless. He paces the living room and kitchen while Yuuri reads. It feels better to be moving, to be doing something. Viktor has always struggled with relaxing on days off, but today he feels an itch under his skin. He wants to be doing something, anything to try to forget what he is going through.

Yuuri looks up at him when he paces back into the living room. He sighs softly and places a bookmark in his novel to hold his place. “Are you okay, Vitya?” Viktor moves over to the couch where Yuuri is sitting and perches on the very edge. 

“I think so. I’m just restless and still kind of upset, I guess.” Yuuri frowns at that and wraps his arms around Viktor gently. He makes no move to pull Viktor in closer, just holds him there. Viktor revels in the gentle touch and warmth of his husband. It’s honestly incredible to be able to spend so much time with Yuuri, to be able to promise forever to him. Viktor has loved every precious moment of their marriage. He leans in closer to Yuuri and rests his head on the younger man’s shoulder. “I love you.” 

Yuuri smiles as he feels the words whispered into his neck. He brings a hand up to stroke Viktor’s hair and sighs in contentment. “I love you, too.” They stay like that for a while, long enough that Viktor can feel his neck beginning to protest being curled around Yuuri’s shoulder. Makkachin bumps against his leg and boofs softly. 

“I guess that settles that,” Viktor laughs as he pats her head, slowly extricating himself from Yuuri. The three of them spend the rest of the evening together, walking Makka after dinner and settling into bed early after Viktor finally puts up the blackout curtains in the bedroom (Yuuri does it for him after watching several failed attempts with amusement and is quickly sworn to secrecy). 

Yuuri curls up on Viktor’s chest while Viktor reads for a while. He’s pulled out of his focus when he starts to feel Yuuri tracing the scars on his chest. They’ve faded with time, but they are still noticeable. Viktor hums when Yuuri places his hands along the horizontal scars. 

Viktor had top surgery when he was twenty one, just coming off a huge gold medal win at the Olympics in Vancouver. He had ended up sitting out the Grand Prix circuit the next season, but it had been so worth it. The scars irritate him sometimes, as a reminder of what he had been expected to be. Sometimes, he is proud of what they symbolize. He’s lost in thought when Yuuri trails a hand under his jaw and pulls him in for a kiss. At first, he’s distracted, but he starts kissing back. When Yuuri pulls away, his cheeks are flushed and he’s smiling like Viktor is the sun. Viktor loves that smile.

“You’re perfect.” Yuuri says exactly what Viktor is thinking about Yuuri. The silver haired man shakes his head and puts aside the book he was reading. “You are.” Yuuri insists.

“I’m glad you think so, but I can’t agree.” Viktor mumbles. Yuuri shakes his head and places a kiss on Viktor’s temple.

“You are wonderful, Vitya,” Another kiss on his cheek, “you are kind, smart, and ridiculous.” Another kiss on his nose, “You are perfect for me.” Another kiss on his chin. “You are so supportive and loving, and you always respect me when I need time or space to work through things.” Another kiss on his collarbone. “I know you don’t see what I do, and that’s okay. I just want you to know how loved you are.” Two final kisses to the scars on each side of his chest. “I adore you.” Yuuri says as he pulls Viktor into his arms. The older man says nothing, but he clutches Yuuri’s arms and pulls himself in closer. He kisses Yuuri softly before turning over. Yuuri takes the hint and scoots closer to spoon his husband. 

Their week proceeds as normal, but Yuuri is quick to do things for his husband. Viktor is just happy when his period finally ends. He knows it’s likely to return, but there may be something his doctor can do to send it away again. 

He and Yuuri don’t talk about it again for a while. 

Viktor is at the rink when it happens. He’s been going over some paperwork later than usual, and there’s a class of small children on one of the smaller rinks when he is finally ready to leave. There’s a tiny child, smaller than the others, with dark hair and a huge smile. Viktor stops to watch for a couple minutes, eyes flicking between the dark haired child and the rest of them. The children are learning the basics, and many of them are wobbling slightly on the ice. Viktor sighs. He and Yuuri have talked about adoption, and they should really start the paperwork if they want to even make it to the interview process by the time Yuuri retires. Yuuri had seemed sad when Viktor had told him he hadn’t frozen any of his eggs before starting hormones. Viktor had never thought he would get married, let alone want to raise a child with someone, so it had never been a priority for him. 

The dark haired child on the ice trips over something Viktor can’t see, and their tiny arms are wind-milling in an attempt to stay upright. It’s very cute, and Viktor turns away with a smile as soon as the child corrects their balance. 

He’s walking home when it hits him. He got his period again, so there is a chance that hormone therapy hasn’t rendered him sterile. Viktor is very unsure about how he feels about that. On one hand, he very much wants to raise a child with Yuuri. He wants to experience the joys of bonding even more with his husband over their very own tiny human. However, he isn’t sure if he could handle the implications of carrying their own child. He knows Yuuri wanted his own biological child, and it had hurt Viktor to see that dream dashed in Yuuri’s eyes. 

Viktor mulls it over for several days before he says anything about it to Yuuri. The final straw is when he dreams of a small baby with eyes and hair like Yuuri’s, but a smile to match his own. He wakes up with tears in his eyes and sits there for a couple minutes, clutching the comforter around his shoulders. Yuuri wakes up and is startled by Viktor’s tears, but relents when Viktor assures him they’re happy tears. 

“Yuuri?” Viktor says softly after he’s stopped crying. 

“Yes?” Yuuri wipes away the last tear tracks from Viktor’s cheeks.

“Do you remember when we were talking about if we wanted kids?” Viktor’s voice is gentle. Yuuri nods, encouraging Viktor to continue. The silver haired man draws in a deep breath, then says all in a rush, “Iwasthinkingaboutmaybehavingourownkid, you know, if you wanted to.” Yuuri is understandably confused and Viktor flushes pink when he is asked to repeat himself. 

“I was at the rink the other day and I saw a class of little kids, just learning to skate. And I thought that we should start the adoption process soon, if we want to start all the interviews before you retire. And then, there was one child in the class that had dark hair, and they reminded me of you. And I remembered that since I got my period again, there’s a chance I could carry a baby of our own. And I know how much you wanted that.” Viktor’s words still come out in a rush, and Yuuri is sat still, shocked by what his husband has just said.

“A baby?” Yuuri says finally.

“A baby.” Viktor answers. 

“Vitya, that’s a lot to think about. Are you sure you want to carry a baby? I don’t want you to do it just for me. I know how uncomfortable that would make you.” Yuuri looks as if he is about to cry. Viktor swallows hard, he is suddenly on the verge of tears again. 

“I wasn’t sure until now. I had a dream, and we had a baby. They had your eyes and hair, but they also had my smile.” Yuuri smiles at him. 

“We don’t have to decide anything now, okay? I know you get excited and rush into decisions sometimes, Viten’ka.” Yuuri tucks a flyaway strand of hair behind Viktor’s ear. “Besides, we still don’t know if you’re actually...you know... ovulating.” Viktor giggles when Yuuri says ovulating like a dirty word. 

“We can find out.” Viktor says.

“Naughty.” Yuuri hums, pulling Viktor in for a kiss. Viktor laughs and swats at his husband.

“Not like that, silly. They can do tests to check my hormone levels. I’d much rather know if it was possible before we actually...tried.” Viktor’s voice cracks a little as he realizes just what this means. 

“Only if you want to, sweetheart.” Yuuri wraps his arms around him. 

“I want to know, at least. We can go from there.” Viktor says. Yuuri tries to hide his excitement by burying his face in Viktor’s neck. Viktor can feel the huge smile Yuuri is hiding against his skin. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really dislike writing sex scenes that realistically portray what it's like to be trans and be intimate with a partner but uhhh kind of sexy times ahead? Idk dudes you tell me if it's good or not

The next day, Viktor schedules an appointment with an OB/GYN. It’s awkward to explain his situation to the receptionist over the phone, but not many questions are raised. His endocrinologist recommended this particular doctor, so they must have had patients like him before. 

He gets his period again a couple days before the appointment, which he supposes is a good thing. This is more likely to work if his cycles are regular. Yuuri brings him chocolate and massages his shoulders, which makes the experience a little less humiliating. 

The gynecologist is respectful and unafraid to ask questions without being too invasive. She immediately agrees to the test Viktor is asking for, and he gives them a blood sample before leaving her office. She patiently explains to him how they will proceed if he and Yuuri decide to have a baby of their own. He’s trembling a little when he gets home. He’s scared that the levels of hormones in his blood will indicate that he’s sterile. 

Yuuri cuddles him on the couch for a while, and doesn’t complain when Viktor gets handsy. Yuuri knows Viktor seeks out affection and reassurance through physical intimacy, so he lets Viktor give him a blowjob right there on the couch. Viktor won’t let Yuuri reciprocate, and Yuuri has learned not to push. Viktor still has issues with intimacy sometimes, even after a few years of marriage. Yuuri has learned to let Viktor instigate and he will ask Yuuri for what he wants rather than allow Yuuri to give it first.

Yuuri insists on showering and Viktor complains but obliges him, not wanting to disrupt their cuddles. Yuuri is very gentle with him, showering him in kisses and washing his hair. Viktor usually doesn’t like being treated as fragile, but today he doesn’t mind. 

Viktor gets a call from the OB/GYN’s office in the middle of a coaching session with Mila. He curses softly when he sees the number and excuses himself quickly to take the call. Yuuri watches his husband leave with worry in his eyes. It’s several tense moments of waiting before Viktor comes back, and he won’t meet Yuuri’s eyes. Viktor apologizes to Mila and returns to his critiques of her new short program. After he’s given her a list of elements to work on with Yakov the next day, he glances over at Yuuri. He smiles nervously and gives a thumbs up. 

Viktor and Yuuri talk more about the idea of having a baby. Viktor has had second thoughts about actually carrying the child himself, but is still interested in trying. Yuuri is excited at the prospect of having a child of their very own, half Viktor and half Yuuri. They come to an agreement to try for a baby in August or September, because then the baby would be born after Worlds. Viktor is adamant he can coach Yuuri for the entire season, but Yuuri has his own doubts. 

Viktor stops taking testosterone near the end of June. At first, there are no noticeable changes. In a couple weeks, Yuuri watches Viktor frown when he’s getting dressed because his hips are slightly wider than he’s used to. Yuuri is ready to abandon this plan the second Viktor gets too uncomfortable with the idea of being pregnant, but he can’t help but coo at his husband when he shows Yuuri how his body fat is being redistributed and now he has a tiny little bit of stomach fat to match Yuuri’s off-season physique. Surprisingly, Viktor doesn’t mind it.

“I think I finally get why you said it was cute all these years.” Yuuri mumbles one night, as he is tucked into Viktor’s stomach. Viktor is reading a book, but looks down at Yuuri with a small smile. “It makes you softer. Much more comfortable for cuddles.” Viktor laughs, putting his book aside so he can run a hand through Yuuri’s damp hair. Yuuri hums, and kisses at Viktor’s stomach.

“It’s crazy to think that soon, you could have a tiny baby in here.” Viktor nods.

“Yeah.” Yuuri watches his eyes darken. He sits up and scoots up the bed to sit face to face with his husband.

“Vitya, what’s wrong? Do you not want to do this anymore? You can stop this at any time, you know that right?” Yuuri starts rambling.

“No, it’s not that. I’m scared that it won’t work. Maybe I won’t be able to get pregnant. That would be worse than being too scared to try. I want to do this with you, and what if I can’t?” Viktor’s voice comes out in barely more than a whisper. Yuuri cups Viktor’s chin in his hands.

“That could happen, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if it did. I would be okay with that, Vitya. We can always adopt. I just want to experience raising a child with you. I’m grateful that you are willing to try having one of our own, but if it doesn’t happen, I would love any child all the same. I just want to have a family with you.” Viktor sobs, and buries his head in Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri runs his fingers along Viktor’s back, making figures similar to compulsory figures. 

Yuuri can feel Viktor’s tears against his skin. Viktor has cried on him like this countless times since they met, but never quite like this. There are a lot more tears than Yuuri is used to, but Viktor used to complain that it was harder to cry after starting testosterone. Maybe it’s easier now after stopping. The two of them stay like that for a while, Yuuri still rubbing Viktor’s back after the sobs turn into sniffles and there’s snot all over Yuuri’s neck as well. Viktor is sheepish when he pulls back to meet Yuuri’s eyes again. 

“Sorry for crying all over you again. I seem to be doing that a lot lately.” 

“It’s part of the job description.” Yuuri smiles and grabs a tissue from the nightstand to wipe away the tears and snot from Viktor’s face. “Besides,” Yuuri adds, “I cry on you all the time.” Viktor laughs, and the moment of doubt is gone. 

Once August rolls around, Viktor is committed to the plan. It’s been two months of pondering and thinking and questioning, but he finally decides he wants to go through with it. The idea of being able to give Yuuri a child of their very own is exciting. He knows that it’s going to be very difficult once people find out and he looks pregnant. But he has a huge support system of family and friends who will be there for him and Yuuri if they need anything. He also knows he survived the long and arduous process of socially and medically transitioning while in the public eye. If he could do that, then he can have a child.

Viktor tells Yakov they’re going to try for a baby. Yakov is surprised, but he congratulates Viktor and tells him he’s willing to be a stand-in coach for Yuuri should the need arise. Yakov also hugs him when he leaves the rink, and Viktor can’t hide his huge smile for the rest of the day. 

They don’t plan on telling anyone else until Viktor is actually pregnant and they’ve passed the first trimester, when the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. Viktor is apprehensive to approach the subject with Yuri and Mila, and Yuuri knows that his family won’t leave them alone about it once they find out. Although both their rinkmates and Yuuri’s family are wonderfully loving and supportive, Yuuri and Viktor know they would accidentally ask some uncomfortable and intrusive questions. 

The week after Viktor tells Yakov, Yuuri takes Viktor out to dinner and indulges his husband. Yuuri wears his hair slicked back with his glasses and one of the nice suits Viktor insisted he needed. Viktor practically purrs with contentment when they get home and Yuuri announces that they’re going to dance in the living room. Viktor laughs when Yuuri dips him and the kiss Yuuri gives him quickly turns sultry. Viktor leans against Yuuri heavily, and when they break the kiss, his pupils are blown wide with desire.

“Bedroom. Now. Please.” Viktor says, voice low. Yuuri takes his husband’s hand and follows him to their room. 

Viktor is quick to push off his jacket and loosen his own tie. Yuuri closes the door behind him so Makkachin can’t interrupt them. When he turns back around, Viktor sinks to his knees in front of Yuuri and pulls him closer by firm hands wrapped around the backs of his muscular thighs. Before Yuuri can really react, Viktor is nuzzling against Yuuri’s arousal, cerulean eyes turned up to watch his husband. 

“Vitya,” Yuuri places a hand in Viktor’s hair, “tonight is about you. Don’t worry about me, okay?” 

“What if I want to?” Yuuri can’t resist when his Vitya looks at him like that. Yuuri can feel the flush heating his face now. Viktor smiles and reaches for Yuuri’s belt. He looks up through his eyelashes at Yuuri as he rids his husband of the belt and tosses it aside, deftly unzipping his pants and pushing them down slightly. Viktor mouths at Yuuri’s erection through his underwear, grinning wider still when Yuuri gasps and thrusts forward slightly at the friction. 

“Greedy.” Viktor chuckles. Yuuri likes the deep pitch his voice takes on when Viktor speaks to him in private, especially like this. Yuuri whines when Viktor pulls back to stare up into his eyes. It only lasts a few seconds, but Viktor seems more sure of himself when he moves again.

In a flash, Viktor has Yuuri’s underwear to his knees and his cock in his mouth. Yuuri gasps and tries not to push forward into Viktor’s mouth. The sudden shock of the wet heat brings even more of a flush to his cheeks. Viktor meets his eyes and hums. The sensation is incredible, and Yuuri can’t stop the loud moan that escapes. Viktor hums again, pleased with Yuuri’s reaction.

Viktor is talented with his mouth and tongue, and it isn’t long before Yuuri can feel the tightness coiling in his belly. “Vitya, close.” Yuuri pants as he tries not to thrust with his hips. Viktor hums again and takes Yuuri as deep as he can. Yuuri moans loudly as he comes, head thrown back in pleasure. Viktor stands back up and kisses him again, smirking against Yuuri’s lips when he shivers from the taste of himself.

Yuuri starts to unbutton Viktor’s shirt and begins walking him backwards towards the bed. His husband’s eyes widen when the backs of his knees hit the bed and Yuuri continues to gently push him back. Viktor moans softly as he moves backwards and Yuuri climbs onto the bed to straddle him. “Beautiful,” Yuuri says as he finishes unbuttoning Viktor’s silky dress shirt. He runs his hands along his husband’s pale sides under the shirt, savoring the feeling of the soft skin. 

Yuuri leans back in for another kiss and he can feel himself starting to get hard again when Viktor licks into his mouth. He moans again and grinds down into Viktor’s lap. “Wait, you’re ruining my pants,” Viktor says, breaking away from the kiss. “Yuuri!” Viktor squeaks when Yuuri continues to grind on him. 

“Okay, okay, calm down.” Yuuri sits up and rids himself of the pants and underwear that are still wrapped around his ankles. Viktor lays back against the pillows, his chest flushed. He still has his pants on, and his dress shirt is only open. “You want these off?” Yuuri gestures to Viktor’s clothes. 

Viktor moves to take off his shirt and pants, but Yuuri stops him. “Let me, love.” Viktor blushes across the bridge of his nose. Yuuri deftly slides the shirt off Viktor’s strong shoulders and unbuttons his dress pants. Viktor looks up at him, suddenly shy. 

“It’s okay, it’s just me.” Viktor nods.

“I know. It’s just a lot.” Yuuri finishes tugging Viktor’s pants off his long legs and moves to kiss him again. 

“We don’t have to, tonight, I mean. If you don’t want to or you don’t feel ready…” Yuuri trails off as Viktor presses their mouths together again in a passionate kiss. 

“I do want to, I promise!” Viktor pants out in a breathy tone after they break apart. 

“Vitya…’ Yuuri says softly. Viktor has always been one to push himself to do things for others, and Yuuri really wants him to be sure about this. 

“Yuuri. Please.” Viktor says, cupping his left hand under Yuuri’s chin and staring deep into his eyes. Yuuri shivers with the seriousness of his husband’s gaze and nods. Viktor shifts so Yuuri is kneeling between his legs and his playful mood from earlier is back. He smirks at Yuuri, curling one of his strong legs around his waist and pulling him in closer. 

“Hello there.” Yuuri breathes before they dive into another kiss. Viktor kisses him passionately, wrapping his arms around Yuuri and pulling him on top of the other man. Yuuri tries not to, but he can’t help but grind his arousal into Viktor’s hip. Viktor groans into the kiss and pulls away, eyes dark with desire. 

“Hi.” He whispers back. Yuuri pushes himself up with his arms and stares down at his husband. He’s beautiful, blue eyes blown wide with desire and soft lips red from their kisses. He’s perfect. 

“Stop staring at me.” Viktor pouts.

“I think I’m allowed to stare at my husband.” Yuuri says gently, moving to tuck a strand of Viktor’s silvery hair behind his ear. 

“No, I’ve decided it’s against the rules from now on.” Viktor announces, winking at Yuuri. 

“Oh, I see. And what is something I’m allowed to do then?” Yuuri gives Viktor a gentle smile and runs a hand down from Viktor’s slim shoulders to his hip, caressing the sharp hip bone he finds there. Viktor sighs.

“You’re allowed to touch me. Just no staring.” Viktor says in his grumpiest voice. He starts laughing right away though and Yuuri joins in. 

“How about if I do this?” Yuuri teases, bringing the hand on Viktor’s hip up to his nipple and giving it a pinch. Viktor squirms slightly. 

“That’s also allowed.” Viktor says, voice higher now. Yuuri licks the tip of his finger and brings it back to his husband’s nipple, circling around it. Viktor shoots him a look. Yuuri laughs and continues.

“That’s it!” Viktor flips them over, hovering over Yuuri now. He kisses him breathlessly. Yuuri looks in his beautiful cerulean eyes again as they break apart. 

“I love you.” Yuuri says quietly. Viktor rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too and all that mushy stuff. Now to the baby making part! Isn’t that supposed to be fun?” Viktor’s delicate hand reaches down and takes hold of Yuuri’s cock, giving him a few gentle strokes. Yuuri reaches into the nightstand drawer for the lube and squeezes some out onto Viktor’s waiting hand. He strokes Yuuri’s cock with it to slick him up, more firmly this time. 

“Let me?” Yuuri asks. Viktor nods, and Yuuri applies some lube to his fingers and reaches down to finger Viktor. He’s usually not fond of this when they have vaginal sex, but it’s necessary. Yuuri kisses him again to distract him from the burning, stretching sensation. 

“Okay, I’m ready now.” Viktor says when he breaks the kiss. Yuuri places his hand on Viktor’s and together, they guice his cock to where Viktor is waiting. The older man hums, pushing down slowly until Yuuri is fully sheathed. Yuuri tries not to move, but his hips are jerking ever so slightly. “Down, boy.” Viktor laughs and swats Yuuri’s chest gently. 

“I can’t really help it, you know. You’re so gorgeous.” Yuuri replies. Viktor ducks his head to hide the sudden bloom of pink on his cheeks. He starts to move suddenly, and Yuuri moans at the sensation. They don’t do this often, as Viktor isn’t all that fond of penetrative sex. Yuuri just likes making Viktor feel good, so they usually do what Viktor wants. 

It doesn’t take long for Yuuri to start thrusting his hips up to meet Viktor’s. “Ah, Vitya!” Yuuri grasps Viktor’s hips tightly. 

“Hey, you’re gonna leave bruises.” Viktor pretends to complain, but Yuuri knows he likes it when Yuuri gets a little rough with him. He wouldn’t do it otherwise. Yuuri grips tighter, prompting Viktor to slow the movement of his hips. “What?” Viktor asks, cocking his head to the side.

“I’m just happy.” Yuuri says, tracing patterns into Viktor’s smooth skin.

“Well, I’m kinda busy here.” Viktor says, trying to start moving faster again. Yuuri pulls out and flips them over again. “Oh.” Is all Viktor can say. Yuuri asks for permission with his eyes, and Viktor kisses him to grant it. 

This time when Yuuri pushes in, they groan in unison. Viktor winds both of his legs around Yuuri’s waist and uses his strong thighs to pull him even closer. Yuuri knows he isn’t going to last long like this and begins grinding out a brutal pace. Viktor grabs his shoulders, his breathing picking up. Yuuri really hopes this feels kind of good to him. He wants this to be a fun, happy memory for the both of them.

Yuuri doesn’t realize how close he is until he’s already hurtling over the cliff, coming with a punched out moan. Viktor clings to him even tighter and they lay there without moving for a few moments, Viktor petting his hair. 

Yuuri laughs at Viktor’s indignant frown when he starts to move to clean them both up. He doesn’t miss Viktor’s shudder when he pulls out.

“Cold.” Viktor hums at his questioning look. Yuuri pads off to the bathroom to get a washcloth, which Viktor shoots down. “I’m supposed to elevate my hips for a bit, not clean up yet.” Yuuri shakes his head but helps Viktor place a pillow under his hips.

“I love you.” Viktor whispers after they’ve been laying there quietly for a while.

“Love you too.” Yuuri smiles at his amazing husband. 

~

Viktor is on edge for the next few weeks. The only way he can be sure that he’s pregnant is once he misses his period and takes a pregnancy test at the OBGYN’s office. He knows he won’t be experiencing obvious symptoms for several weeks, but he still wants to know for sure. 

Yuuri watches Viktor looking at himself in the mirror after a shower. Viktor is scrutinizing his form in the mirror, turning to the side and looking at his stomach. He looks exactly the same as he did several days ago. Yuuri knows Viktor is wishing he felt any different, just so he could tell. He walks up behind Viktor and wraps his arms around his husband. Viktor hums and leans back against him. 

“Don’t worry so much, Vitya.” Yuuri whispers. Viktor huffs in amusement.

“That’s my line.” 

“Not always.” Yuuri murmurs. He hugs Viktor a little tighter and they stay there together for a couple minutes. 

Viktor wiggles out of his embrace after a minute. He turns to face Yuuri, eyes serious. 

“I know you’re worried about me, but I want this with you. Yuuri, I know that I’ve said I never imagined I’d get married or have children at all, but the thought of having this with you makes me so happy.” Viktor smiles and runs the back of his hand along Yuuri’s cheek very gently.

“I just want to take care of you.” Yuuri says. 

“You already do. Every day.” Viktor leans in and kisses him on his forehead. 

~

Viktor is still fidgety when he goes in for a pregnancy test about a month after they tried to conceive. Yuuri goes with him and holds his hand while they wait for the results. It’s still early, so there’s a chance the test could be wrong, but Viktor hasn’t experienced any symptoms obviously tied to pregnancy. He also hasn’t had his period since a little before they tried. 

The test comes back negative. Viktor doesn’t cry, but he looks sad. Yuuri rubs comforting circles on his hand and doesn’t say anything. Viktor will talk when he’s ready. 

When they get home, Viktor curls up on the couch with Makkachin. Yuuri makes himself scarce for a while, but Viktor seeks him out in the bedroom not much later. 

“I love you.” Viktor hugs Yuuri tightly. 

“I love you too.” Yuuri presses his nose into Viktor’s hair. It smells like the sweet roses of his conditioner. “Are you doing okay?” Viktor scrunches his nose at the question, and Yuuri feels a wave of guilt for asking. 

“I’m fine. Just...disappointed, I think. I was really hoping it would work the first time. But I know it takes lots of people a long time to get pregnant.” Viktor smiles up at Yuuri. “We have plenty of time to keep trying.” 

“Is that what you want, Viktor? Are you sure? I still feel like you’re only doing this for me, an-” Viktor cuts him off with a kiss. 

“The idea of doing this for you is exciting, but I wouldn’t go through with it if that was the only reason.” Viktor frowns a little. “I know it’s going to be hard for me, but I really want to do this, Yuuri. For us.” 

“For us.” Yuuri echoes. 

At practice the next day, Viktor is more lenient with Mila and Yuri than usual. He lets them goof off more, and he laughs when Mila proves that she can still hoist Yuri over her head, despite the fact he has grown a lot in the past year. Viktor has a look in his eyes Yuuri can’t quite place, but he can tell Viktor is very proud of his students. 

Yuri scowls when Viktor ruffles his hair as he steps off the ice, but he doesn’t say anything. Viktor waves Yuuri onto the ice for his turn, and smiles when Yuuri swats his shoulder playfully as he skates by. Their ice time flies by, and they walk home hand in hand. Viktor carries Yuuri’s bag for him. These are the kinds of moments Yuuri knows he will always remember. Their time on the ice is fleeting, but their time together stretches out before them, endless.

~

Viktor isn’t very responsive to touch in the several weeks after he takes the pregnancy test. Generally, Viktor is more physically affectionate than Yuuri, but this is a strange development. Yuuri wants to know what is wrong, but he doesn’t want to upset Viktor when he broaches the subject. 

One morning, Yuuri wakes up late on their rest day. Viktor is still in bed, and Yuuri is curled around him. Yuuri groans as he stretches slightly. He realizes as he continues to move that his morning wood is pressed against Viktor’s ass. Yuuri pushes up against Viktor even more, and Viktor squirms, but not in a way Yuuri’s used to. Viktor turns to face Yuuri, eyes red and under eyes puffy. 

“Not today, sorry.” Yuuri instantly pulls away from his husband, frowning slightly. He knows Viktor still struggles a lot with body dysphoria and intimacy, even on the best of days. Viktor mistakes the frown for disappointment and crawls closer to Yuuri. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“No, no, it’s not that, sweetheart.” Yuuri places his hand under Viktor’s chin and makes him look into his eyes. “I’m not upset, I just want to know what’s going on in your head.” 

Viktor huffs and pushes Yuuri back down into a lying position so he can settle on his chest. “I’m just...second guessing everything, I think. I don’t know how I’ll react to being pregnant and people knowing about it if I can’t even let my own husband see me naked sometimes! I don’t know if I can do it, but I want to…” Viktor trails off, voice cracking a little at the end. 

“Hey,” Yuuri says softly, “it’s okay. I’m sure we can figure this out. We can start looking into adoption more, maybe? It can be the backup plan, okay?” Viktor nods, eyes still sad. 

“I want our baby.” Viktor says.

“I know, sweetheart. I really want that too, but if it isn’t going to work out, I don’t want you to blame yourself for it. Neither of us thought we’d be going through this, okay?” Yuuri tries to reassure Viktor, but he’s worried himself. 

“I know.” Viktor says. He curls into Yuuri’s side and buries his face in his chest. 

“It’s going to be okay, Vitya. We’re going to be parents one way or another.” Yuuri can feel Viktor smile against his skin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I just posted the first chapter and then disappeared. My significant other broke up with me and a bunch of family stuff went down, so any future updates will likely be slow.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this sucked lmao feel free to write hate if u feel that strongly about it.  
Also there is a distinct lack of trans Viktor content so here u go. I love my boy


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